The Grand Tour

Jeremy Clarkson Finally Talks Of Losing Weight Because “He Can Barely Do Up His Shoelaces”

Jeremy Clarkson, who once despised walking and ridiculed it as a pointless exercise has admitted to walking eight miles every day and yet, that wasn’t helping much! The 62-year-old presenter has got in charge of his own health and intends to transform his lifestyle.

After revealing that he was scared of death given his age and physique, Clarkson has now bought a  make-shift gym with ‘very elegant’ equipment that is placed in his garden. He has also hired a gym instructor to help him get fit and get in shape.

Giving us an insight into his level of fitness, he said he could barely do his own shoelaces, and that cycling for even three minutes hurt his thighs. He then goes on to complain about everything in a hilarious manner. Speaking in his column, he wrote:

“The fact is that none of the shirts in my wardrobe fits any longer, I can barely do up my shoelaces and the only reason I don’t drink more is that I become breathless and sweaty every time I operate a corkscrew.

“‘Plus, to get out of the bath I have to roll over onto my front and be driven by a risk of drowning onto my hands and knees. This is the only starting point from which I can successfully stand up.

‘After three minutes on the bicycle my thighs hurt and my heart was like that baby alien in John Hurt’s chest. There was a very real sense that it might actually burst out of my ribcage at any moment. Small wonder the cyclists you see on the road are always in such a bad temper. The poor souls are in agony. I know I was. And that was just to “loosen me up-up-up-up!

“Only half an hour had passed when I caught sight of myself in the mirror, but I’d done so much I figured I’d look like Willem Dafoe. I didn’t. What I actually looked like was someone who was very close to dying. My face was grey, and I was soaked with sweat so comprehensively, I looked like the joke entry in a wet T-shirt competition.”

Despite the ‘challenges’, it looks like Jeremy has finally done some introspection and become serious about his health. The urge to get fit and healthy suddenly might have come from the fear of death.

Whatever the motivation, Jeremy has been having quite a session with his gym trainer.

“The gym lady said that before continuing, I should get my breath back and let my heart rate return to normal. And then, four seconds later, she tied me to the Mosley and made me kick things that weren’t there until the tiny white pipe cleaners sticking out of the leg holes in my shorts were shaking from the effort.”

Clarkson then goes on to talk about other popular gym ‘enthusiasts’ after taking a jibe at Vladimir Putin who ‘picks things up and puts them down in the gym,’ and all that exercise has caused him to ‘lose his marbles’

The others include ‘mad President Macron of France’, Justin “Blackface” Trudeau- prime minister of Canada; Mark Wahlberg who did time for attacking a Vietnamese man; Gino D’Acampo, who did two years for burgling the home of the pop star Paul Young and then there’s the gym bunny duo of Jeffrey Epstein and Will Smith.

Jeremy funnily creates a link between gyms and antisocial behavior. He concluded by saying: “It’s something you should bear in mind, unless of course, you’ve already lost yours while doing a bench press.”

To us, this is a much-needed step that Jeremy has taken forward because that means we’ll see him on our screens for a lot longer. Will he turn from an Orangutan to a tall human being? Only time will tell.

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